Seduction attraction

Do you wanna know what is the best thing of being a hooker? Money. That's first and there are others you can list down without me explaining it. But my point is, apart from all that list, I got to learn how to attract men's attention. Most men but not all. All of people has different taste in women and so as who they tend to be attracted.

When I was in that world at first place, I didn't like it (Of course, no one would like it). But I've met most types of men and they taught me how to please them or attract their attentions. So it was a fairly good exprience  because next time when you meet same type of guy, you can use that knowledge.

Same thing in real world, if you like a guy and you want that guy to accept you, you able to use that experience. You don't need to be that attractive to get his attention. Just use few tricks and that guy will go down and bow in front of you.

The thing is, they just bow down on you for one and only thing; physical purposes. And nothing else. In your later life, you'll kinda have hard time to find a guy who really want to be with you. Because.. well, you kind of get used to it and most guys now are asshole, so it's hard to find anyone who truly wants you. And that moment, you will feel you are completely alone and has no one to be trusted. You don't know who is your friend or someone who just want to take advantages on you.

It's kinda amazing to have someone who understand and able to talk about your past with you. But when something bad happen between you guys, you kinda hesitated with yourself. You should be stronger than he is because you've been through alot. But when your guard's down and you got swayed by your emotion, you know you are fucked up.

It's not that I hate you (yea, of course I hate you) but that wasn't the case. The person who I hate the most is me, myself and I. I really ashamed with what happenned and it was totally broke off our relationship. I wish it didn't happen so we can still talk again but, it feels wrong to get in touch with you.

I honestly don't know will I ever talk to you again but it's good to have you as a friend. I do try to text you every single day but I just can't.

October comes to its end and november is anxious welcoming us. Soon, year 2014 will comes to end. It's awal muharam already in muslim calender and I guess it's not too late to wish happy new year to all of you. Hope our new year will bring us better success and prosperity in our life. Amin..

P/s: too many grammatical errors here and I'm sorry for that. I just corrected it.

All against the norm

Have I mention here, I'm all against the normal things? I guess I did. I guess I didn't. If I didn't, yes, I'm fairly against the normal things. I don't like being normal. Maybe because I never been normal. Never have normal past, present or future.

And I'm not fond with physical attractions, like looks or nice things people like to say. I'm not saying I'm proud of being a freak, but.. I don't know. Maybe I thought I'm not normal so normal people won't like me. And I think, personally all the freaks (the nerds, the shy people, the weird) are much cooler than the pretty people.

But I did being bullied alot when I was a kid and teenage. So I was really against with pretty girls or so-call dreamy guys. Meaning the kind of guys who mostly girl's after. I just thought most of them were bullies because they sort of had influence and followers. Most of time I tried to avoid them but sometimes I didn't manage to do so. 
When I was 16, there was a guy who kind of dreamy guy in my class. I remember the first day I introduced myself in the class, he was staring at me. Like I was gonna be his first victim. Or he looked at me just to see whether I was gonna 'melt' or something. I'm not sure which but I was gonna avoid him.

I manage to avoid him for a week. I usually sat at the back, arrived at school almost the earliest and get the hell out from school the last. I guess I won't meet anyone I hate or I didn't like fight the swam or student getting out of the school.

I don't know it was just me or every bullied kids do this; I was sort of a bit defensive. I was gonna smack him or something if he wanted to bully me. Long story short, he was trying to get close to me. Not to bully me but something different. Just making friends I guess. Maybe he saw I could get along with most of student in the class, why not him? And he asked me lots of question about studies of course. I was pissed at first but I was okay with him and he turned out to be quite okay. We kind of became best friend and study alot together. We share lots of things and eventually passed the exam.

That guy changes lot of perspectives of me. No matter what their looks, not all of them prefect enough. That guy had lots of flaws and he was trying to get over it. He managed to do it so. It was cool.

He married already early this year with chubby girl. I was kinda of confuse but I guess that's love. Weird world isn't?

Getting into college

"Guys, please do the best you can. Your parents sent you here to see you success so make them proud. Study hard, get the scroll and give it to them"

That speech was from a so-called facilitator in local university. A speech for grown up people. Give. Me. A. Break.

I'd say that's the most common bullshit people said like forever. And I honestly don't like that speech at all.

I don't know about anyone else but for me, that speech might work for kids at primary school and secondary but for high school kids and college dudes, that's gay speech.

Usually kids don't really get why they need to study and pass exam. They tend to play games or watch tv and hate study. When I was a kid just like to go to school because I wanna meet my friends. Not learning anything. That's why people use "parents" word to motivate them. Sometimes it does work but others are not.

However for high schoolers and college students, I wanna ask something. Do you really get in there, sit in that class or hall, watch your lecturers wasting energy trying to educate you, do you do all that just because of your parents or for yourself?

I honestly said that I did it for myself. I want it so I can get better job (well, obviously it doesn't). But the bright side I got the knowledge. I also think 95% of others university/college students do that for themselves. So what's the point of making speech using "parents" word?

Second question is, if you really do for your parents, how long will that able to motivate you? For people from poor background I think that will drive you as long as you in college. But how about others? Do you really can stand the pressure of always need to pass exam and submit assignments? Will you able to finish your study, hold that scroll and give it to your parents? I'll let you answer that to yourself because it doesn't matter what my answer is.

And for me, sometimes "parents" word kinda a burden to hear. It's like you need to do it although you hate it. And when you fail exam, that burden becomes exccessively unbearable. At that point, people may have 2 options; regroup themselves and get pass the next exam or jump from a building. Some student does pick the second choice and that is just sad.

So for me, there's no real speech. Just do what you gotta do. study smart and grab that scroll before going home.

At some point you would feel wary and need something to motivate you. I went through that when I was in third and forth year. It was really hard. It took months for me to get it. And I just do it for my grades and for job. I don't know. It's kinda came to me. I can't explain that.

So, just set in mind, you get in there for yourself. Just picture it. Some day in future, when you got nice job later, nice car, nice home, who will be in there? It's you. Not your parents or your siblings. They will be there but not for long. It's you will sit in there till you dead. So just do a favor for yourself to leave all that bullshit you do everyday and study.

Is that a good speech? I hope it does. Huhu.

That's all for now. See ya'll next week.

Mencurah air ke daun keladi

Ari tu aku de tulis post untuk minggu lepas, tapi tak de perasaan nak upload. Tggu la ujung minggu ni, kalo aku rajin aku upload la.

Aku rasa aku nak period. Nape? Sebab aku rasa macam mood swing. Tetibe teringat kat dia.

Ari tu raya haji takde mesej aku.. selalu kalo dia la, dia mesti balek kampung. Aku tak percaya langsung kalo dia tak balik. Lelaki lain aku percaya la, tapi die... tak mungkin.

Tetiba cam terfikir dan aku sejujurnya tak tahu pe jawapannya. Aku leh agak, pertama, dia memang bebal tahap dewa, kedua memang jenis suka sangat luka kan hati orang, ketiga, dia bukan manusia. dia sejenis mahkluk perosak di bumi ni.

Walau pape pon dia, aku boleh cuba untuk faham. Tapi yang aku tak faham kenapa boleh buang masa aku dan dia selama 4 tahun. 4 tahun. 4 tahun orang yang dah berkahwin dah boleh de 2 orang anak. Kalo ko taknak aku, cakap je gentelmen. Aku leh hadapi bende tu. Aku bukan budak 16 tahun atau ex-gf bongok ko yang nak bunuh diri bila ko nak putus ngan dia.

pointnya kalo ko baca blog ni, aku just nak gitau ko la. Terima kaseh sebab buang masa aku, tenaga lelah, letih aku dengan masalah hidup ko yang tak pernah tamat. aku doa kan ko akan jumpa perempuan yang ko sayang gila2, tapi dia buat kat ko camne ko buat kat aku. Amin.

Acne!!!!!

When I was teenage, I have a major skin problem but it was common skin problem occurred to any girls in the world, which was acne. Believe me when I said I really hated myself at that time, apart from having bad childhood experience and acne was one of the reason why I hated myself.

But as I grow <s>older</s> mature, the acne seems to gone away. I just suspect it might be the hormone problem. When i met my school friends, they were like shocked to see my face completely flawless. (Just kidding, it's not flawless but barely has acne). They asked what did I do to my face. What are my secrets. Well, to tell the truth there is no secrets or anything I do to make sure this face won't have a volcano on its surface.

Nevertheless, when I was studying, one of my friend suggested a local skin care products which might make the acne go away. The product is called novelis visage. Yes, the products of late Sosilawati's. I didn't believe it as first place, let alone the product was a bit pricy but I just said just give it a go.

surprisingly it worked. Just under 2 weeks I could see the changes. But, it had hard routine to follow. I had to wash face for quite long time in one session, and apply the toniques which would make my skin to fell off. Sort of it changed my face skin to be fairer, agile and look moist. But I really had to be patience to wait for my new skin which was terrifying.

After that, the skin looked flawless. No acne, no blackspot or what so ever. There were a bit piece skin would fell off once in a while but little did I know that 'new skin' thing made my face more sensitive than it should be. For an example, I cannot expose to sunlight too long because my face would turned into bright red. I cannot scratch my face because it'd bled. So I needed to take extra coutious so I wont be in pain.

At last, I gave up the product. I didnt care if the acne would come back. It's torturous to live like that.
I just used the cheap facial clenser and cream untill now. And yes the acne comes back but not a huge like 50 cent coin but just small ones. It's just like a normal acne that would appear at the period cycles. Thats why I think it's not really the product make the acne go away. I think it's just the hormones.

So for you my dear sisters who has skin problem acne like me, don't worry about it. Just use the facial clenser, don't touch your face with dirty fingers, don't touch the acne and it will go away. Don't worry guys won't like you. If they really like you, they must accept you as you are. It's completely normal to have acne but certain people are lucky to have flawless skin. So just live your live as it is unless you wanted to be a model. That would be a huge problem. Huhu..

Right. So that's it. See you next time. Bye..

Painkillers

Dan sekarang aku kembali mengambil painkillers atau ubat tahan sakit. Kenapa?

Kemungkinan pertama; cuaca. Sejak kebelakangan ini cuaca di johor bahru sangat sangat sangat sangat panas. Mungkin sebab tu aku kena migraine. Yes migraine. Last time aku kene migraine waktu sekolah menengah or pra dip kat kuala pilah.

Dulu aku perna beli panadol berbotol-botol di sebabkan migraine ni sebab 2 bji tak mampu menghilangkan rasa sakit. Tapi aku berhenti amik sebab satu hari aku tetiba nak bunuh diri ngan telan pil2 tu sume. Aku tak ingat sangat pe yg jadi tapi tu la sedikit sebanyak yang aku leh katakan.

Kemungkinan ke-2: kerja. Aku kan x ske gile kerja aku dan mungkin aku asek2 fikir sampai kene migraine balik.

Kemungkinan ke-3: frust ngan kehidupan aku sekarang. Sejak akhir-akhir ni aku dapat satu cara untuk tidur dengan senang iaitu menangis. 2 3 minggu ni aku menangis sampai tertidur yang mana sebelum ni aku memang susah nak melelapkan mata. Mungkin sebab menangis banyak sangat atau aku frust ngan hidup aku.

Tapi pape pon seryesli aku tak rasa sihat kebelakangan ni dan tak suka dengan matahari. Asal die bangin memancar je datang sakit kepala aku, dan aku mula rasa loya dan tak leh makan. Ughhh... tak best nye.. T_T

Dunia Nafsu Vs Realiti

Assalamualaikum pembuka bicara di tengahari sabtu yang kian panas di pancari sinar mentari. Ari tu aku surf internet dan jumpa beberapa blog melayu yang lebih kurang macam blog ni. Tapi aku rasa lebih baik kot. Mereka nampak macam dah boleh berdiri teguh walhal aku masih camping dengan kelemahan sendiri.

Rasa macam cemburu la dengan diorang yang boleh keluar dari dunia diorang tapi aku masih tersekat di antara dua dunia. Tersekat dengan dunia nafsu sendiri dan dunia realiti.

Jujurnya, aku tak de sesape yang support aku untuk keluar selain dari ex-bf aku. Tapi sekarang pon dia da takde. Aku takde join mana-mana pertubuhan, persatuan atau pape sewaktu dan sekawasan dengannya. Cuma cuba melangkah dengan kaki sendiri dan tawakkal pergi sejauh mungkin.

Mungkin sebab aku tak mahu orang tahu siapa aku. Kalo aku ni sekadar biseksual atau penggemar BDSM, mungkin aku boleh dedahkan diri aku. Tapi aku seorang bekas pelacur yang melakukan semuanya. Sekurang-kurangnya pelaku BDSM ada belas kasihan, tapi partner-partner aku tak. Sebanyak mana diorang bayar aku, sebanyak itulah diorang lepaskan geram dan nafsu terhadap aku.

Dan mungkin sebab aku rasa aku boleh hadapi ini semua sensorang. Tapi sejujurnya, aku tak boleh. Sebab tu aku sentiasa jatuh dan bangun balik. Kengkadang rasa nak bunuh diri tu memang ada sebab aku nak akhiri perjuangan yang tak berkesudahan ni dan terima pembalasan aku di alam lain dengan seadanya. kengkadang aku rasa aku tak mampu melawan lagi dan mahu hanyut sebegitu sahaja. Biarkan ajal datang menjemput aku dan pertemukan aku dengan Mungkar dan Nangkir dan seterusnya Maliki sang penjaga pintu neraka.

Tapi sedar tak sedar da 4 tahun aku sudah cuci tangan. Alhamdulillah walaupon aku masih bergelut dengan nafsu sendiri tapi tak sampai lagi pergi kembali ke kehidupan lama aku.

Tapi perasaan takut aku akan kembali tu memang ada setiap hari. Setiap masa. Sebab bila gelora nafsu mendatang, terasa nak sangat  merasai nikmat yang aku rasa dulu. Mungkin sebab dulu mula-mula dalam dunia pelacuran, aku tak terbiasa di pukul, di sepak dan sebagainya. Tapi lama kelamaan mentaliti aku berubah dari tak suka kepada suka untuk diperlakukan sebegitu dan itu yang aku mahu rasai. Aku fikir itulah aku; tempat melepaskan nafsu dan kemarahan.

Tapi bila nafsu itu kembali pergi, semua perasaan aku akan bercampur baur. Sedih; aku tak mampu menahan diri aku, kesal; kenapa aku biarkan mereka buat semua tu kat diri aku, marah; sebab aku lemah sangat dengan nafsu aku, malu; malu dengan Allah sebab aku tak mampu pegang janji aku pada diri aku. Dan seterusnya, perasaan nak bunuh diri tu akan kembali.

Setakat ni aku tak lagi berani untuk membunuh diri, tapi aku takut aku akan sampai ke limit diri aku, dengan depresi aku, aku mungkin akan melompat terus dari bangunan. Aku masih lagi waras dan tahu membunuh diri tu tak boleh langsung dalam Islam dan aku rasa itulah satu-satunya sebab aku boleh bertahan sampai hari ni. Dan aku berharap aku akan bertahan sampai bila-bila.

p/s: aku ingt aku da upload hari sabtu, rupanya tak. What ashame