aku da sampai jb selama hampir seminggu kot. dan aku rasa sangat2 gembire. tapi maybe minggu depan aku kene balek shah alam balek sebab nak settle kan projek akhir tahun aku.
everything is fine now. aku rasa aku da wat yang terbaik waktu exam ari tu, so aku just berharap je sekarang ni yang aku akan lepas sume nye. tal larat da nak me-repeat pape lagi da.
kes adek aku da lama selesai, tapi aku leh nampak kes tu bagi impak mendalam bagi diri die. sama gak ngan aku. de orang cakap ngan aku, biar la orang lain nak wat jahat. ko minat ngan keje tu, ko keje je la. jangan join. skarang ramai gile orang jahat. kalo fikir cam tu, kesudah ko nak cari keje yg betul2 suit ngan diri ko.
mmg betol..pe yang die cakap. aku memang minat. sebab tu aku amik kos ni. tapi bile jadi kat adek aku, aku rasa sistem tu sendiri bermasalah. bile sistem tu sendiri bermasalah, aku yang masuk skali akan turut bermasalah. lagipon, aku tak yakin aku akan enjoy ngan kerja tu walaupon aku pilih jalan tu.
Alhamdulillah, Allah tunjukkan jalan sebenar untuk aku dan masa depan aku. cuma aku terkilan, aku da wat projek berdasarkan jalan tu. aku tak pasti aku wat pilihan yang terbaik, tapi aku rasa ni la pilihan yang aku akan rasa gambire dan suma orang gembire.
dan sebenarnye aku baru pas tengok citer songlop. ntah ke berapa kali nye aku tengok citer tu. =P
dan walaupon da beberapa kali aku tengok, aku masih rasa sedey ngan citer tu. aku tak tau samade aku ni emosi sebab aku perempuan, or aku emosi sebab citer tu de kaitan dengan hidup aku. dua2 make sense, tapi tak tau mana satu yang mempengaruhi. or....., sesape yang fokus tengok citer tu, dan mendalami setiap watak, memang rasa semacam, seperti aku. ntah la.. aku tak tau la mana satu.
petang ni, insya-Allah aku akan belajar masak nasi briyani. hehehe. teruja sangat2.
Showing posts with label nukilan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nukilan. Show all posts
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Past come bows at me
last night i studied at kfc. i usually study with my friend, in the library, but i think yesterday she wanted to rest a bit, so i went to study all by myself at the kfc.
i actually wear glasses. but i hate to wear it because it will make me look like a granny. so, i used to wear contact lens, but my contact lens is expired already. actually, it's been expired for a year, but the other day, i went to one of the best optical store, and the owner of the store explained to me how dangerous to wear an expired contact lens. so, i decided not to wear them anymore. and there is goes, i have to walk around with blurry eyesight.
it's not a big deal actually, since i don't usually look people around me. but, someone told me that, if i want to find someone, i need to see people around me. i doubt if i found someone, that person can accept me as i am. that's why i rejected most my ex bf all these times. when you know a damage girl and she is tooo damage nothing u can do except hope the best for her. i'm not even planning to get marry. not even i envy all my friends who many of them has their own family. i don't think i can be a good wife and a good mother. i may just screw up my family, by..i don't know, having an affair or ignore my children. it's enough for me to destroy myself. i don't want to destroy someone else's life.
i saw something that reminds me of my past. 2 occasions. but surprisingly i feel envy with them. first, i saw a couple made out in the car, and second, i saw a sugar daddy with his sugar babe. and few nights ago, there's a guy offer me to be his sugar babe. i didn't say anything; didn't refuse, nor agree. i know i can get easy money, and i won't be lonely anymore. i used to have all the attentions, and i felt good about myself for once in my life. but it was all for the wrong reason. they used me. and i don't like of being use. that's why i get out from there. but now, the offer is back, and the question is whether i want to be an attention whore, or be poor as hell. that's a tough decision as i do always have financial problem since i quit.
but i do know that i don't want to feel like i did the other day. thank god i didn't do drugs. if i did i'd suicide myself again.
i actually wear glasses. but i hate to wear it because it will make me look like a granny. so, i used to wear contact lens, but my contact lens is expired already. actually, it's been expired for a year, but the other day, i went to one of the best optical store, and the owner of the store explained to me how dangerous to wear an expired contact lens. so, i decided not to wear them anymore. and there is goes, i have to walk around with blurry eyesight.
it's not a big deal actually, since i don't usually look people around me. but, someone told me that, if i want to find someone, i need to see people around me. i doubt if i found someone, that person can accept me as i am. that's why i rejected most my ex bf all these times. when you know a damage girl and she is tooo damage nothing u can do except hope the best for her. i'm not even planning to get marry. not even i envy all my friends who many of them has their own family. i don't think i can be a good wife and a good mother. i may just screw up my family, by..i don't know, having an affair or ignore my children. it's enough for me to destroy myself. i don't want to destroy someone else's life.
i saw something that reminds me of my past. 2 occasions. but surprisingly i feel envy with them. first, i saw a couple made out in the car, and second, i saw a sugar daddy with his sugar babe. and few nights ago, there's a guy offer me to be his sugar babe. i didn't say anything; didn't refuse, nor agree. i know i can get easy money, and i won't be lonely anymore. i used to have all the attentions, and i felt good about myself for once in my life. but it was all for the wrong reason. they used me. and i don't like of being use. that's why i get out from there. but now, the offer is back, and the question is whether i want to be an attention whore, or be poor as hell. that's a tough decision as i do always have financial problem since i quit.
but i do know that i don't want to feel like i did the other day. thank god i didn't do drugs. if i did i'd suicide myself again.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
about life for me
i don't know about other people, but i'm not the one who likes to blame other. i prefer to find the solution for a problem. and maybe because i don't like to blame others, i tend to blame myself.
it's not been easy to get through you life when you blame yourself for everything. you'll always second guess yourself, but you know you have to make a decision. in life you always need to choose one, not both. i chose one, but i apparently, i do the opposite. i'm having the greatest part of my life, and i have to re-think whether to let it go or just go with the flow.
ugghhh...this is suck. i'm in final exam and because of my stupidity, i think about my problem. that's one thing. and share it with other people is another stupidity.
sorry, i'm a complicated life and i'm a complicated girl. it's complicated to be explain and i don't expect you to understand everything. there's no need to be understand actually, because there's nothing to be understand. although you meet a strange stranger, life goes on.
what you really want to know is whether life has a deeper meaning. so find it you have to go the basic of life. there's no shortcuts in life. to be success, there's a hell long way to go.
it's not been easy to get through you life when you blame yourself for everything. you'll always second guess yourself, but you know you have to make a decision. in life you always need to choose one, not both. i chose one, but i apparently, i do the opposite. i'm having the greatest part of my life, and i have to re-think whether to let it go or just go with the flow.
ugghhh...this is suck. i'm in final exam and because of my stupidity, i think about my problem. that's one thing. and share it with other people is another stupidity.
sorry, i'm a complicated life and i'm a complicated girl. it's complicated to be explain and i don't expect you to understand everything. there's no need to be understand actually, because there's nothing to be understand. although you meet a strange stranger, life goes on.
what you really want to know is whether life has a deeper meaning. so find it you have to go the basic of life. there's no shortcuts in life. to be success, there's a hell long way to go.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Questions and answers
it's a while i haven't update my blog. i faced few problems in my life, and usually when i do have certain problems, i don't really prefer to write it down at anywhere. nor even i want to talk about it.
for now, my problems have ease a bit, and it gives me some time to spend in here. being in this semester, it's not really fun. it's fun..but it's way more challenging.
i'm doing my final year project. when bad things happen, in your life, and that bad thing occur in an aspect of life that you like the most, you're gonna start to doubt yourself. are you what are you doing right now? do you think this is right, or wrong? what are the effects on yourself? that were some of the question that i have. i don't even have the answer yet.
but for sure, i'm still doing this until i'll figure it out later.
for now, my problems have ease a bit, and it gives me some time to spend in here. being in this semester, it's not really fun. it's fun..but it's way more challenging.
i'm doing my final year project. when bad things happen, in your life, and that bad thing occur in an aspect of life that you like the most, you're gonna start to doubt yourself. are you what are you doing right now? do you think this is right, or wrong? what are the effects on yourself? that were some of the question that i have. i don't even have the answer yet.
but for sure, i'm still doing this until i'll figure it out later.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Tekanan
aku perasan, kebelakangan ni aku tido cam x lena. banyak mimpi yang tak betol or x masuk akal. even kengkadang dalam mimpi aku, aku menangis. rse nye, x cukup menangis kat dalam dunia realiti kot.
aku x tau la...sebab diri aku, atau pe...tapi aku rse aku cam da jatuh ke jauh2 nye, dan sedalam2 nya. aku rase cam betol2 x de semangat dan kekuatan nak bangun balek.
harapan parents aku, harapan supervisor aku, kawan2 aku, orang yg x bape syg kan aku, sume nye cam jadi beban dalam diri aku. aku perasan perubahan rupa aku kat dalam cermin. bawah mata aku makin itam. bukan di sebab nak eye-liner, tapi mungkin sbb masalah dalaman.
selain dari tu, cam2 lagi aku alami. cam tubuh aku pon start da nak give up. hanya minda aku je...maseh push aku. kalo minda aku da x larat, mungkin satu hari, aku tak bernyawa lagi.
aku x tau la...sebab diri aku, atau pe...tapi aku rse aku cam da jatuh ke jauh2 nye, dan sedalam2 nya. aku rase cam betol2 x de semangat dan kekuatan nak bangun balek.
harapan parents aku, harapan supervisor aku, kawan2 aku, orang yg x bape syg kan aku, sume nye cam jadi beban dalam diri aku. aku perasan perubahan rupa aku kat dalam cermin. bawah mata aku makin itam. bukan di sebab nak eye-liner, tapi mungkin sbb masalah dalaman.
selain dari tu, cam2 lagi aku alami. cam tubuh aku pon start da nak give up. hanya minda aku je...maseh push aku. kalo minda aku da x larat, mungkin satu hari, aku tak bernyawa lagi.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Confussion
it's hard to describe how i feel right now. the "burden" and "expectation" people around me, makes me feel a bit depress. and whatever happen to my family, it affected the way i like about this "path".
i started to wonder whether i'm doing a right thing, to make things right, because even when i try hard enough to set things right, if the evidence is "fabricated", and the "suspect" indeed was frame, and he's going to jail, am i still on the right side?
i'm not accusing we're being "frame", and "in denial" about "everything" but "everything" seems "blurry". and the perspective of the community and the impact on my family, i feel like i don't want to go home. and i don't know whether i want to proceed this path as "people" will know the "flaws" that i "had".
i don't know whether i can do this anymore. even in the class, i kept on thinking about "it", how i start to hate this "path" and doubt whether i need to be in here, or get the hell out from here.
i started to wonder whether i'm doing a right thing, to make things right, because even when i try hard enough to set things right, if the evidence is "fabricated", and the "suspect" indeed was frame, and he's going to jail, am i still on the right side?
i'm not accusing we're being "frame", and "in denial" about "everything" but "everything" seems "blurry". and the perspective of the community and the impact on my family, i feel like i don't want to go home. and i don't know whether i want to proceed this path as "people" will know the "flaws" that i "had".
i don't know whether i can do this anymore. even in the class, i kept on thinking about "it", how i start to hate this "path" and doubt whether i need to be in here, or get the hell out from here.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Dilemma
after the break, i got a lot of stuff to do. with problem in my house, it affected a bit to myself, on how see the world. on how i start to guess myself back. i think a lot about everything; my study, my future and my family. my study and my future, i don't know how i'm gonna end up later. whether be a good guy or bad guy. because of bad thing happen in front of my eyes, i'm afraid if i will be a bad guy. i began to re-thought about everything. and i'm not sure i'm doing the right thing.
about my family.. i know i used to be not to intimate or close with my parent. but it doesn't mean i don't love them. and when something bad happen, i didn't realize how much it affected me.
i have alot of thing to do, and yet i don't do anything to solve it. i just think. it's not i don't want to solve it, it seems like it's outside of my ability to avoid or stop it.
about my family.. i know i used to be not to intimate or close with my parent. but it doesn't mean i don't love them. and when something bad happen, i didn't realize how much it affected me.
i have alot of thing to do, and yet i don't do anything to solve it. i just think. it's not i don't want to solve it, it seems like it's outside of my ability to avoid or stop it.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Need to sleep
i just arrived at shah alam. quite tired, and i got fever right now. none of my assignment is finish yet, and i got a huge problem back there in JB. i was crying non-stop last night and i couldn't sleep. when i play the ayat-ayat al-Qur'an, then i became relief a bit.
i want to finish this course as soon as i can, and i want to sleep. hopefully, everything will be just fine when i wake up.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Pembetulan
lagi seminggu nak balek JB. aku tengah berkira2 nak balek awal, atau pon stick ngan rancangan. dua2 berikan aku advantage, tp x tau mana satu yang aku lebih suka nak wat.
cam2 masala timbul, dan aku semakin hari semakin takot ngan mase depan aku. dan aku x de sesape untuk meluahkan perasaan ni. de beberapa orang yang aku rapat sekarang, tapi boleh di katakan cam msalah aku ni tak terluah kepada sesapa. aku lebih suka untuk memendam sendiri.
pe yang aku x ske ngan diri aku, aku senang mengalah bile kene push. tetapi kalo asek2 kene push, aku akan mantul balek. tp aku tak nak bende cam tu jadi, dan aku tak tahu cam ne nak elak kan bende2 ni jadi. sebab tu aku prefer untuk mendiamkan diri sekarang ni.
banyak bende yang mahu diperkatakan, banyak juga hati yang perlu di jaga. adakah aku hipokrit? panggil la aku hipokrit jika itu yang boleh membuatkan ko puas hati. tapi bagi aku, aku cuba untuk wat bende yang betol di sini.
cam2 masala timbul, dan aku semakin hari semakin takot ngan mase depan aku. dan aku x de sesape untuk meluahkan perasaan ni. de beberapa orang yang aku rapat sekarang, tapi boleh di katakan cam msalah aku ni tak terluah kepada sesapa. aku lebih suka untuk memendam sendiri.
pe yang aku x ske ngan diri aku, aku senang mengalah bile kene push. tetapi kalo asek2 kene push, aku akan mantul balek. tp aku tak nak bende cam tu jadi, dan aku tak tahu cam ne nak elak kan bende2 ni jadi. sebab tu aku prefer untuk mendiamkan diri sekarang ni.
banyak bende yang mahu diperkatakan, banyak juga hati yang perlu di jaga. adakah aku hipokrit? panggil la aku hipokrit jika itu yang boleh membuatkan ko puas hati. tapi bagi aku, aku cuba untuk wat bende yang betol di sini.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Re-open
Supposedly, i should shut down this blog, but i realiz that this is the reason i still alive. i can write anything here about what i think. i can say that, since i shut down this blog, i was half dead. i mean, half of my life is written here. it's quite hard for me to let this blog go.
anyway, new semester begun. new challenges i need to get through. finally i can take forensic's subject. until today, i can't believe i'm studying forensics. it does open a new world to me, about forensic.
the challenge getting tougher and tougher. being alone in the house, and alone in the campus.. sometimes, it's nearly kill me. i have bf, but he seldom be there to me. i don't know whether he is my bf or not. so, i am..really lonely.
what makes me alive until today is my best friend. without her, i don't think i can make this. even she ask me to stay with her. but, there are certain circumstances that makes me can't stay with her.
i want to be like her; she is strong, and stable. me..her best friend is completely opposite her. donno how to be just like her.
what makes me alive until today is my best friend. without her, i don't think i can make this. even she ask me to stay with her. but, there are certain circumstances that makes me can't stay with her.
i want to be like her; she is strong, and stable. me..her best friend is completely opposite her. donno how to be just like her.
Friday, February 17, 2012
me in these weeks.
since a week ago this blog is officially private to all visitors, except the ones that i allow to view. to be honest, i know what to do with the new blog. just the feeling to write there isn't like the feeling i'm writing here.
i think, most of my thought and attitude is because of my past. it changes how i see the world. indirectly, it makes me mature earlier than i should be. i always wanted to write about my past and how it affected me, but by having a blog that makes me unable to talk about it, the feeling just...gone.
in this few weeks, there are alot of things happen. how things get worst; my family and him, and how i handle myself. and next week the final exam result will be publish at the student protal.
to tell the truth, i am super nervous when i think about it. i guess, i think most about it today. about what will happen if i can't get through the last semester subjects, and about my friends whose will going to be graduated this year.
last week, i followed my father's best friend's son engagement ceremony and as usual, my relatives will ask me about two things that i can't escape; first, when will i be graduate and second, when will i get marry.
i don't really worry about the question of getting married. but the question about graduate is the scariest of all.
i feel like, i want to do this. i mean, i love this course. i want to take this course since i was 17 years old. it's not about being famous or anything, but...i like about investigating and help the ones that need help. maybe it's also because of my past and i want to help people. but having poor result, really kills me.
i think alot about my mother and the other people that excel with their study and i keep on asking myself, why they can do that and why i can't? i tried to study like them but i guess it's not enough. i guess they are more brilliant than i am so i need to study more like them. about twice more.
next week my result will be publish. i don't know what to think. i want to pass, at least pass. i don't ask for more but if i fail, guess i have to accept that.
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