From The Inside

once again, i have fever right now. my throat is sore, and my eyes are keep on wet. it's not like i'm crying but, they are just wet. like watery.

next week the real challenge will come. i will have alot of tests and assignment to complete and of course, the lab report has to be complete.

i'm not really emo this past week maybe because i had period, and the emotional week has over, but there are few things caught my eye. firsty of all, the inside strength. yesterday, my fasillator gave us few question for self-esteem. in which he wanted to see the result of each of us from the questions. sadly, i got -2. he said that, the normal people with normal attitude will get in range of 40-60 @ 80, below that, that person has no self-esteem. higher than that, that person has higer self-esteem. i, as usual tried to convince people that there was nothing wrong with me. i can eat alone, i can stand up alone and work alone. i don't need people to support me from behind. not that much.

but the truth is, i do. all the question ask about how you convince about yourself. how do you look yourself. i've been looking myself for years, and i hate to say that i still hate myself. no wonder people can give love to me, since i can't love myself. that is why i don't trust poeple. it's not that people aren't reliable, but it's me that i can't rely on. i've been overprotect on myself, since i left the whore world.

my friend said to me once, let go the past, and try to live the present and plan the best for future. i can't let go my past, not completely and i try my hardest to live the present and afraid to think about my future. i don't get how certain people can let go his/her past. i don't get how their past don't effect their life's.

one of my housemate is just like me, chubby. but she can has real relationship. she's happy and her boyfriend is happy with her. me, on the other hand, is pretending to be happy, trying to destroy my relationship by having affair with other guy. few days later, i just quit because i just can't do that. not to him. he's just too kind for me, to smash this relationship. i know, deep inside me, i'm waiting for someone, but.. huhu, he won't want me if he knows who i am.

poeple ask me, how bad is it being abused when you are 6? you are 6, not 16 for God sake. it's not like you'll end up with huge belly with infant inside. i just want to stare at him and ask, u think it's not bad? i'm not just...sexually abused, he abused me mentally and physically. and no one knows about it. not even your parent, or your brother. you screamed tried to find help, but no one listen. your parent even think you are lying. you live with hating yourself for 13 years. not even dare to look yourself in the mirror, because you hate yourself so much. then, one day you just want to die, and tried to commit suicide. then, after that everyone begin to believe. that day people around you finally notice how damaged you are inside.

that day is just too late, because you already too damage to heal. you just can forget certain part of your life. the rest, it live inside you, even when you asleep.