Past come bows at me

last night i studied at kfc. i usually study with my friend, in the library, but i think yesterday she wanted to rest a bit, so i went to study all by myself at the kfc.

i actually wear glasses. but i hate to wear it because it will make me look like a granny. so, i used to wear contact lens, but my contact lens is expired already. actually, it's been expired for a year, but the other day, i went to one of the best optical store, and the owner of the store explained to me how dangerous to wear an expired contact lens. so, i decided not to wear them anymore. and there is goes, i have to walk around with blurry eyesight.

it's not a big deal actually, since i don't usually look people around me. but, someone told me that, if i want to find someone, i need to see people around me. i doubt if i found someone, that person can accept me as i am. that's why i rejected most my ex bf all these times. when you know a damage girl and she is tooo damage nothing u can do except hope the best for her. i'm not even planning to get marry. not even i envy all my friends who many of them has their own family. i don't think i can be a good wife and a good mother. i may just screw up my family, by..i don't know, having an affair or ignore my children. it's enough for me to destroy myself. i don't want to destroy someone else's life.

i saw something that reminds me of  my past. 2 occasions. but surprisingly i feel envy with them. first, i saw a couple made out in the car, and second, i saw a sugar daddy with his sugar babe. and few nights ago, there's a guy offer me to be his sugar babe. i didn't say anything; didn't refuse, nor agree. i know i can get easy money, and i won't be lonely anymore. i used to have all the attentions, and i felt good about myself for once in my life. but it was all for the wrong reason. they used me. and i don't like of being use. that's why i get out from there. but now, the offer is back, and the question is whether i want to be an attention whore, or be poor as hell. that's a tough decision as i do always have financial problem since i quit.

but i do know that i don't want to feel like i did the other day. thank god i didn't do drugs. if i did i'd suicide myself again.