Seduction attraction

Do you wanna know what is the best thing of being a hooker? Money. That's first and there are others you can list down without me explaining it. But my point is, apart from all that list, I got to learn how to attract men's attention. Most men but not all. All of people has different taste in women and so as who they tend to be attracted.

When I was in that world at first place, I didn't like it (Of course, no one would like it). But I've met most types of men and they taught me how to please them or attract their attentions. So it was a fairly good exprience  because next time when you meet same type of guy, you can use that knowledge.

Same thing in real world, if you like a guy and you want that guy to accept you, you able to use that experience. You don't need to be that attractive to get his attention. Just use few tricks and that guy will go down and bow in front of you.

The thing is, they just bow down on you for one and only thing; physical purposes. And nothing else. In your later life, you'll kinda have hard time to find a guy who really want to be with you. Because.. well, you kind of get used to it and most guys now are asshole, so it's hard to find anyone who truly wants you. And that moment, you will feel you are completely alone and has no one to be trusted. You don't know who is your friend or someone who just want to take advantages on you.

It's kinda amazing to have someone who understand and able to talk about your past with you. But when something bad happen between you guys, you kinda hesitated with yourself. You should be stronger than he is because you've been through alot. But when your guard's down and you got swayed by your emotion, you know you are fucked up.

It's not that I hate you (yea, of course I hate you) but that wasn't the case. The person who I hate the most is me, myself and I. I really ashamed with what happenned and it was totally broke off our relationship. I wish it didn't happen so we can still talk again but, it feels wrong to get in touch with you.

I honestly don't know will I ever talk to you again but it's good to have you as a friend. I do try to text you every single day but I just can't.

October comes to its end and november is anxious welcoming us. Soon, year 2014 will comes to end. It's awal muharam already in muslim calender and I guess it's not too late to wish happy new year to all of you. Hope our new year will bring us better success and prosperity in our life. Amin..

P/s: too many grammatical errors here and I'm sorry for that. I just corrected it.

All against the norm

Have I mention here, I'm all against the normal things? I guess I did. I guess I didn't. If I didn't, yes, I'm fairly against the normal things. I don't like being normal. Maybe because I never been normal. Never have normal past, present or future.

And I'm not fond with physical attractions, like looks or nice things people like to say. I'm not saying I'm proud of being a freak, but.. I don't know. Maybe I thought I'm not normal so normal people won't like me. And I think, personally all the freaks (the nerds, the shy people, the weird) are much cooler than the pretty people.

But I did being bullied alot when I was a kid and teenage. So I was really against with pretty girls or so-call dreamy guys. Meaning the kind of guys who mostly girl's after. I just thought most of them were bullies because they sort of had influence and followers. Most of time I tried to avoid them but sometimes I didn't manage to do so. 
When I was 16, there was a guy who kind of dreamy guy in my class. I remember the first day I introduced myself in the class, he was staring at me. Like I was gonna be his first victim. Or he looked at me just to see whether I was gonna 'melt' or something. I'm not sure which but I was gonna avoid him.

I manage to avoid him for a week. I usually sat at the back, arrived at school almost the earliest and get the hell out from school the last. I guess I won't meet anyone I hate or I didn't like fight the swam or student getting out of the school.

I don't know it was just me or every bullied kids do this; I was sort of a bit defensive. I was gonna smack him or something if he wanted to bully me. Long story short, he was trying to get close to me. Not to bully me but something different. Just making friends I guess. Maybe he saw I could get along with most of student in the class, why not him? And he asked me lots of question about studies of course. I was pissed at first but I was okay with him and he turned out to be quite okay. We kind of became best friend and study alot together. We share lots of things and eventually passed the exam.

That guy changes lot of perspectives of me. No matter what their looks, not all of them prefect enough. That guy had lots of flaws and he was trying to get over it. He managed to do it so. It was cool.

He married already early this year with chubby girl. I was kinda of confuse but I guess that's love. Weird world isn't?

Getting into college

"Guys, please do the best you can. Your parents sent you here to see you success so make them proud. Study hard, get the scroll and give it to them"

That speech was from a so-called facilitator in local university. A speech for grown up people. Give. Me. A. Break.

I'd say that's the most common bullshit people said like forever. And I honestly don't like that speech at all.

I don't know about anyone else but for me, that speech might work for kids at primary school and secondary but for high school kids and college dudes, that's gay speech.

Usually kids don't really get why they need to study and pass exam. They tend to play games or watch tv and hate study. When I was a kid just like to go to school because I wanna meet my friends. Not learning anything. That's why people use "parents" word to motivate them. Sometimes it does work but others are not.

However for high schoolers and college students, I wanna ask something. Do you really get in there, sit in that class or hall, watch your lecturers wasting energy trying to educate you, do you do all that just because of your parents or for yourself?

I honestly said that I did it for myself. I want it so I can get better job (well, obviously it doesn't). But the bright side I got the knowledge. I also think 95% of others university/college students do that for themselves. So what's the point of making speech using "parents" word?

Second question is, if you really do for your parents, how long will that able to motivate you? For people from poor background I think that will drive you as long as you in college. But how about others? Do you really can stand the pressure of always need to pass exam and submit assignments? Will you able to finish your study, hold that scroll and give it to your parents? I'll let you answer that to yourself because it doesn't matter what my answer is.

And for me, sometimes "parents" word kinda a burden to hear. It's like you need to do it although you hate it. And when you fail exam, that burden becomes exccessively unbearable. At that point, people may have 2 options; regroup themselves and get pass the next exam or jump from a building. Some student does pick the second choice and that is just sad.

So for me, there's no real speech. Just do what you gotta do. study smart and grab that scroll before going home.

At some point you would feel wary and need something to motivate you. I went through that when I was in third and forth year. It was really hard. It took months for me to get it. And I just do it for my grades and for job. I don't know. It's kinda came to me. I can't explain that.

So, just set in mind, you get in there for yourself. Just picture it. Some day in future, when you got nice job later, nice car, nice home, who will be in there? It's you. Not your parents or your siblings. They will be there but not for long. It's you will sit in there till you dead. So just do a favor for yourself to leave all that bullshit you do everyday and study.

Is that a good speech? I hope it does. Huhu.

That's all for now. See ya'll next week.

Mencurah air ke daun keladi

Ari tu aku de tulis post untuk minggu lepas, tapi tak de perasaan nak upload. Tggu la ujung minggu ni, kalo aku rajin aku upload la.

Aku rasa aku nak period. Nape? Sebab aku rasa macam mood swing. Tetibe teringat kat dia.

Ari tu raya haji takde mesej aku.. selalu kalo dia la, dia mesti balek kampung. Aku tak percaya langsung kalo dia tak balik. Lelaki lain aku percaya la, tapi die... tak mungkin.

Tetiba cam terfikir dan aku sejujurnya tak tahu pe jawapannya. Aku leh agak, pertama, dia memang bebal tahap dewa, kedua memang jenis suka sangat luka kan hati orang, ketiga, dia bukan manusia. dia sejenis mahkluk perosak di bumi ni.

Walau pape pon dia, aku boleh cuba untuk faham. Tapi yang aku tak faham kenapa boleh buang masa aku dan dia selama 4 tahun. 4 tahun. 4 tahun orang yang dah berkahwin dah boleh de 2 orang anak. Kalo ko taknak aku, cakap je gentelmen. Aku leh hadapi bende tu. Aku bukan budak 16 tahun atau ex-gf bongok ko yang nak bunuh diri bila ko nak putus ngan dia.

pointnya kalo ko baca blog ni, aku just nak gitau ko la. Terima kaseh sebab buang masa aku, tenaga lelah, letih aku dengan masalah hidup ko yang tak pernah tamat. aku doa kan ko akan jumpa perempuan yang ko sayang gila2, tapi dia buat kat ko camne ko buat kat aku. Amin.

Acne!!!!!

When I was teenage, I have a major skin problem but it was common skin problem occurred to any girls in the world, which was acne. Believe me when I said I really hated myself at that time, apart from having bad childhood experience and acne was one of the reason why I hated myself.

But as I grow <s>older</s> mature, the acne seems to gone away. I just suspect it might be the hormone problem. When i met my school friends, they were like shocked to see my face completely flawless. (Just kidding, it's not flawless but barely has acne). They asked what did I do to my face. What are my secrets. Well, to tell the truth there is no secrets or anything I do to make sure this face won't have a volcano on its surface.

Nevertheless, when I was studying, one of my friend suggested a local skin care products which might make the acne go away. The product is called novelis visage. Yes, the products of late Sosilawati's. I didn't believe it as first place, let alone the product was a bit pricy but I just said just give it a go.

surprisingly it worked. Just under 2 weeks I could see the changes. But, it had hard routine to follow. I had to wash face for quite long time in one session, and apply the toniques which would make my skin to fell off. Sort of it changed my face skin to be fairer, agile and look moist. But I really had to be patience to wait for my new skin which was terrifying.

After that, the skin looked flawless. No acne, no blackspot or what so ever. There were a bit piece skin would fell off once in a while but little did I know that 'new skin' thing made my face more sensitive than it should be. For an example, I cannot expose to sunlight too long because my face would turned into bright red. I cannot scratch my face because it'd bled. So I needed to take extra coutious so I wont be in pain.

At last, I gave up the product. I didnt care if the acne would come back. It's torturous to live like that.
I just used the cheap facial clenser and cream untill now. And yes the acne comes back but not a huge like 50 cent coin but just small ones. It's just like a normal acne that would appear at the period cycles. Thats why I think it's not really the product make the acne go away. I think it's just the hormones.

So for you my dear sisters who has skin problem acne like me, don't worry about it. Just use the facial clenser, don't touch your face with dirty fingers, don't touch the acne and it will go away. Don't worry guys won't like you. If they really like you, they must accept you as you are. It's completely normal to have acne but certain people are lucky to have flawless skin. So just live your live as it is unless you wanted to be a model. That would be a huge problem. Huhu..

Right. So that's it. See you next time. Bye..

Painkillers

Dan sekarang aku kembali mengambil painkillers atau ubat tahan sakit. Kenapa?

Kemungkinan pertama; cuaca. Sejak kebelakangan ini cuaca di johor bahru sangat sangat sangat sangat panas. Mungkin sebab tu aku kena migraine. Yes migraine. Last time aku kene migraine waktu sekolah menengah or pra dip kat kuala pilah.

Dulu aku perna beli panadol berbotol-botol di sebabkan migraine ni sebab 2 bji tak mampu menghilangkan rasa sakit. Tapi aku berhenti amik sebab satu hari aku tetiba nak bunuh diri ngan telan pil2 tu sume. Aku tak ingat sangat pe yg jadi tapi tu la sedikit sebanyak yang aku leh katakan.

Kemungkinan ke-2: kerja. Aku kan x ske gile kerja aku dan mungkin aku asek2 fikir sampai kene migraine balik.

Kemungkinan ke-3: frust ngan kehidupan aku sekarang. Sejak akhir-akhir ni aku dapat satu cara untuk tidur dengan senang iaitu menangis. 2 3 minggu ni aku menangis sampai tertidur yang mana sebelum ni aku memang susah nak melelapkan mata. Mungkin sebab menangis banyak sangat atau aku frust ngan hidup aku.

Tapi pape pon seryesli aku tak rasa sihat kebelakangan ni dan tak suka dengan matahari. Asal die bangin memancar je datang sakit kepala aku, dan aku mula rasa loya dan tak leh makan. Ughhh... tak best nye.. T_T

Dunia Nafsu Vs Realiti

Assalamualaikum pembuka bicara di tengahari sabtu yang kian panas di pancari sinar mentari. Ari tu aku surf internet dan jumpa beberapa blog melayu yang lebih kurang macam blog ni. Tapi aku rasa lebih baik kot. Mereka nampak macam dah boleh berdiri teguh walhal aku masih camping dengan kelemahan sendiri.

Rasa macam cemburu la dengan diorang yang boleh keluar dari dunia diorang tapi aku masih tersekat di antara dua dunia. Tersekat dengan dunia nafsu sendiri dan dunia realiti.

Jujurnya, aku tak de sesape yang support aku untuk keluar selain dari ex-bf aku. Tapi sekarang pon dia da takde. Aku takde join mana-mana pertubuhan, persatuan atau pape sewaktu dan sekawasan dengannya. Cuma cuba melangkah dengan kaki sendiri dan tawakkal pergi sejauh mungkin.

Mungkin sebab aku tak mahu orang tahu siapa aku. Kalo aku ni sekadar biseksual atau penggemar BDSM, mungkin aku boleh dedahkan diri aku. Tapi aku seorang bekas pelacur yang melakukan semuanya. Sekurang-kurangnya pelaku BDSM ada belas kasihan, tapi partner-partner aku tak. Sebanyak mana diorang bayar aku, sebanyak itulah diorang lepaskan geram dan nafsu terhadap aku.

Dan mungkin sebab aku rasa aku boleh hadapi ini semua sensorang. Tapi sejujurnya, aku tak boleh. Sebab tu aku sentiasa jatuh dan bangun balik. Kengkadang rasa nak bunuh diri tu memang ada sebab aku nak akhiri perjuangan yang tak berkesudahan ni dan terima pembalasan aku di alam lain dengan seadanya. kengkadang aku rasa aku tak mampu melawan lagi dan mahu hanyut sebegitu sahaja. Biarkan ajal datang menjemput aku dan pertemukan aku dengan Mungkar dan Nangkir dan seterusnya Maliki sang penjaga pintu neraka.

Tapi sedar tak sedar da 4 tahun aku sudah cuci tangan. Alhamdulillah walaupon aku masih bergelut dengan nafsu sendiri tapi tak sampai lagi pergi kembali ke kehidupan lama aku.

Tapi perasaan takut aku akan kembali tu memang ada setiap hari. Setiap masa. Sebab bila gelora nafsu mendatang, terasa nak sangat  merasai nikmat yang aku rasa dulu. Mungkin sebab dulu mula-mula dalam dunia pelacuran, aku tak terbiasa di pukul, di sepak dan sebagainya. Tapi lama kelamaan mentaliti aku berubah dari tak suka kepada suka untuk diperlakukan sebegitu dan itu yang aku mahu rasai. Aku fikir itulah aku; tempat melepaskan nafsu dan kemarahan.

Tapi bila nafsu itu kembali pergi, semua perasaan aku akan bercampur baur. Sedih; aku tak mampu menahan diri aku, kesal; kenapa aku biarkan mereka buat semua tu kat diri aku, marah; sebab aku lemah sangat dengan nafsu aku, malu; malu dengan Allah sebab aku tak mampu pegang janji aku pada diri aku. Dan seterusnya, perasaan nak bunuh diri tu akan kembali.

Setakat ni aku tak lagi berani untuk membunuh diri, tapi aku takut aku akan sampai ke limit diri aku, dengan depresi aku, aku mungkin akan melompat terus dari bangunan. Aku masih lagi waras dan tahu membunuh diri tu tak boleh langsung dalam Islam dan aku rasa itulah satu-satunya sebab aku boleh bertahan sampai hari ni. Dan aku berharap aku akan bertahan sampai bila-bila.

p/s: aku ingt aku da upload hari sabtu, rupanya tak. What ashame

Rintihan

Maaf aku tak dapat upload topik yang best minggu ni. Semalam de majlis kenduri arwah jiran aku dan aku blek lewat. Ex aku teks aku dan telefon aku, dan aku menangis cam budak-budak sampai tertidur.

Seryesli minggu ni aku memang tak ok. Aku menangis setiap malam. Aku mimpi bende bukan-bukan. Dan yang paling penting aku dah tak de sesapa yang leh dengar rintihan aku.

Berbulan-bulan lamanya aku memendam perasaan aku. Depan orang aku senyum dan dalam bilik aku menangis. sampai bengkak muka aku datang kerja.

Aku tak ada sesape yang boleh dengar rintihan aku. Aku tak suka tempat kerja aku. Tempat yang menindas aku. Bos yang mengambil kesempatan kat pekerja dia. Superior yang sentiasa tunding jari kat aku. Sama ada salah aku atau salah orang lain. Aku tak de life. Tak de kawan-kawan nak keluar, tak de cukup duit untuk menggembirakan aku. gaji aku seribu lebih pergi ke famili aku dan minyak kereta aku. kisah silam yang menghantui aku setiap hari. Dan yang paling sedihnya, aku kene bangun setiap hari melalui semua ni sensorang diri.

Aku tak merungut bagi duit aku tak famili aku. Aku tahu tu tanggungjawab aku. Tapi gaji aku terlalu sedikit untuk menampung famili aku. Jadinya aku kene cari kerja lain dan aku da wat da tapi takde sesape nak amik aku kerja. Tu yang lagi menambah kesedihan aku.

Ex-boyfriend aku. Kisah yang sama selama 4 tahun. Aku rasa la aku berkapel dengan dia selama 4 tahun. Tapi mungkin dia fikir aku dan dia kawan rapat je walaupon mmg kami declare. Mungkin sebab tu gak dia cam endah tak endah dengan aku. pe yang bagusnya dia, die tahu kisah silam aku dan boleh terima aku seadanya. Dan aku boleh cerita apa saja kat dia. Untuk 2 tahun pertama. Lepas tu..., aku tak tahu pe jadi. Tapi kami asik-asik gaduh dan dia senyap seketika. Alasan sebab nak bergaduh dengan aku. Ok, fine. Aku terima. Aku biarkan dia senyap. Dan mula saat tu dia cam berubah. Memang suka gile marah-marah aku. Aku senyap je dan fikir dia mungkin de masala kerja. pas tu aku da jarang bercerita masalah aku kat dia.

Tahun ke-4. Br semalam dia call. last die call bulan 12 time aku praktikal. Dan smlm first time die call untuk tahun ni. Aku da tak mampu nak kongsi pape lagi kat dia sebab rasa macam dia bukan lagi pakwe aku. dia da macam asing bagi aku. Dan aku da terbese hidup sensorg.

Aku memang jarang gila kongsi masala aku dengan keluarga aku. Just masalah duit. Selain dari tu, pelajaran aku, kehidupan aku, aku tak perna share. Cume sekarang ni aku duduk umah dan ari-ari bila mengadap mak aku dia akan tanya pasal kerja. Tapi aku cakap tak de pe menarik nak di cerita. Kerja aku sucks.

Dari kecil aku macam ni. Sejak aku Kene rogol aku tak perna cerita pape tentang diri aku. Aku lagi suka bercerita dengan client aku atau partner aku atau bf aku. Kawan-kawan aku pon tak tahu aku siapa. (Yang sebenar).

Dan tempat yang boleh aku merintih sekarang adalah Allah. Setiap hari aku berdoa tapi hidup aku masih cam ni. Dan pe yang sangat-sangat menyedihkan, aku cam terfikir pasal mati. Da 2 3 minggu aku terfikir, alangkah bagusnya aku mati. Kalo pergi neraka pon aku tak perlu fikir betapa teruknya hidup aku. Aku lagi rela disula dan direjam sampai mati. Aku tahu tu takdir aku. Aku da tau pe yg menanti aku. Aku tau seksaan tu sume teruk tapi aku just nak rasa terlepas sume bebanan ni.

Aku tak tahu ni dugaan Allah atau pe. Aku tahu Dia tahu aku kuat. Tapi tak selamanya aku boleh kuat. Sebab aku da tak berdaya da sangat-sangat sekarang ni. Aku sedih setiap hari. Aku da tak rasa gembira lagi. Aku tidur pon selalu terjaga. Tidur yang tak lena. So de baiknya kalo aku mati.

Bau-Warkah

Takkan lagi aku menunggu
Kau hadir di dalam mimpi-mimpiku
Puasku mengharapkan dirimu
Seperti mereka yang punya cinta

Diriku tanpa dirimu
kau tempuhi penuh bahagia
Diriku mahu kau tahu
Pedih ini kau tak terasa

Warkahku mengharapkan dirimu
Seperti yang aku kenali dulu
Setiaku menantikan dirimu
Seperti setianya terhadap diriku

(*)
Tapiku melepaskan mu
Melangkah namun tak berdaya
Terusku terus menunggu
Cinta yang takkan pernah ada..

Letih

da hampir 2 minggu aku berada di johor. sedang gigih mencari kerja, tapi setakat ni tak dapat lagi. mungkin rezeki tak datang lagi.

2 minggu tak de khabar berita langsung dari dia. mungkin dia fikir kami da takde pape. mungkin.. mungkin die sebuk bekerja. mungkin.. fikir positif. tapi walau ape pon die pilih, aku tetap akan gembira untuk dia.

entah cam ne aku rasa cam, aku single. perlu ke untuk bersedih? perlu ke untuk gembira? jujurnya, aku tak tahu. tapi yang pasti aku tak rasa langsung nak cari pengganti, atau terima sesape lagi da. nak cakap aku sayang sangat kat dia, ntah la. perasaan tu lme da x de. cume mungkin aku penat bercinta, dan nak berehat pulak. aku rasa aku da jadi gf yang terbaik, tapi masih lagi tak berjaya, mungkin de kesilapan di mana2. so, dari penat mencari, baik duduk berehat sahaja.

de orang cakap teruskan mencari. setiap orang pasti de jodoh die. yep, aku setuju. cume mungkin jodoh aku da meninggal atau hidup jauh berbatu2 dari aku. mungkin de silap dalam diri aku, yang aku tak nampak. sebab tu ianya tak perna menjadi. masih lagi cuba mengubah diri, tapi de je org cm aku kawen n beranak pinak. tapi aku? (^_^)

sedar tak sedar, aku tukar status aku dari straight ke lesbian. secara jujurnya, aku tak nampak masa depan aku dengan lelaki. walau sehensem mana pon dia, aku cam tak rasa lagi.. tertarik. dan aku lebih pandang perempuan dari lelaki. dan lebih suka berbual dengan perempuan. tu makne nye aku lesbian ke? aku sendiri tak tahu.

yg pasti, aku terasa letih gile mencari cinta. mne2 lelaki aku nampak or kenal, dalam hati aku akan terdetik, ohh... dengan dia aku takkan ke mana. sama je cam dl. lebih baik lupe kan. dan aku terus pandang tempat len. aku da tawar hati? mungkin... mungkin. (^_^)

The Life of Internship

I've unofficially graduate myself today. Yesterday was my last day of internship so.. Basically I've completed my degree. Just I haven't got my official transcript yet.

I practical at government's sector where I was able to apply most of what I had learnt at degree. But when I think about it, it's not about applying what you have learnt. It's all about to know how is it feels to work and deal with people right in front of our eyes. To deal our boss expectations, our colleagues expectations, our expectation. Sometimes I wanted to lose my temper but I just kept it cool and just kept quiet. Usually I'd write everything here but since I can't, I just kept cool and control myself. That was the challenge for myself.

and other than that, my personal life.
..........
That's all i can write. Idk what happened. But I guess we've reached a crossroad where we shuld make a decision. Since he couldn't, I can't do anything about it too. too bad I still love him. and I know he'd give me anything accept time. so... I need to think whether I can be like this forever or I shud leave. and the worse thing, he doesn't want to let me go.

wow... haha.

Sebulatnya - The Fabulous Cats Reviews

aku terkejut nape lagu ni tak terlalu popular kat corong radio. aku andaikan  mungkin tak ramai yang minat lagu-lagu melayu atau ia di sebabkan pendengar yang tak pandai menilai. kebanyakkan orang malaysia ni, aku rasa mereka suka sesuatu yang klise atau sesuatu yang 'catchy' walaupon sebenarnya kalo baca lirik, lagu tu sangat-sangat membosankan. golongan-golongan ni aku gelarkan golongan yang naif, yang sentiasa menerima sesuatu tanpa usul selidik. mana yang diorang rasa best diorang junjung, dan mana yang kurang best mereka abaikan. padahal yang kurang best tu la kebiasaan adalah sesuatu seni yang sukar di cipta. sebagai contoh lagu ni la, korus dia "aku yang bodoh, aku yang buta". kalo golongan naif ni dengar, mereka terus cakap, eh lagu pe ni cakap diri sendiri bodoh bodoh. diorang terus kondem dan terus tak dengar. naif bukan?

bagi aku ramai orang boleh menyanyi tapi tak ramai yang boleh menjadi seorang artis. untuk menghasilkan satu karya seni yang bagus, memerlukan seorang artis dan bukannya penyanyi. sedihnya, di sebabkan terlalu ramai golongan naif kat malaysia, artis-artis kurang mendapat perhatian dan oleh itu aku tak terkejut kalo mereka cari lubuk lain selain malaysia kerana golongan-golongan naif ni.

aku berani komen pasal bende ni sebab kebanyakkan kawan-kawan aku adalah dari golongan ni. entahlah, mungkin bagi mereka lagu-lagu ni adalah sekadar penghibur dan tak memberi makna dalam hidup mereka. tapi come on la.. senang nye hidup ko, ko dapat satu bende, tak wat kajian dan terus terima. cam ne kalo info yang ko dapat tu rupa-rupanya bende tak betul, tak de rasa malu ke ngan diri sendiri dan suka menerima membabi buta?

entahlah.. tapi aku memang puji fabulous cats sebab leh wat lagu ni. de beberapa artis kat mesia cam diorang, tapi tak perlu untuk sebut nama diorang. korang google la lagu-lagu kegemaran korang, rasa lirik tu mendalam ke tak, muzik die best ke tak, suara penyanyi tu bagus ke tak. kalo stakat petik gitar ulang lirik yang sama, amik pantun jadi kan lirik cam tak de modal nak wat lagu tapi korang cakap bagus, korang lah golongan naif. golongan yang menjunjung penyanyi dan bukannya karya seni.

2 Bulan yang menyeksakan

da nak masuk 3 bulan aku praktikal. cam2 aku lalui dan cam2 input baru aku terima. tak sabar rasa nya nak abes dan kerja. sebab nak duit. huhu..

da lame tak update blog sebab sangat2 bisi sekarang ni. ni aku berkesempatan untuk update sebab tengah cuti awal muharam dan deepavali. selamat menyambut deepavali bagi pembaca yang beragama hindu dan selamat menyambut tahun baru bagi pembaca beragama islam. mudah-mudahan di tahun baru ini, dipermudahkan segal urusan dan segala keinginan serta kemahuan dapat dicapai.

tak banyak yang leh di ceritakan.. personal life? pass.. working life? cam tu je.. member aku? still cam tu. rumah? cam tu gak. tak de banyak bende yang berubah. banyak yang aku rasa sangat2 tak best. so sebab tu aku nak cepat2 abes li ni.

Big achievement

It's almost a month I've washed my hand. It's kinda a big achievement for me and I totally proud with myself. I hope I can stay like this till I meet my husband.

But I hv to admit,  there's no days that passed that I haven't think about it. But somehow there's something that always stop me from doing it. Mostly it's because I simply don't wanna do it.

It's kinda hard to explain but I guess it's simply because I believe in my religion. I believe Allah is the only god in this entire universe and prophet Muhammad is His messenger. 

Maybe it's because I've been taught to believe since I was young but if it does, well everybody should believe in God too right? Some poeple loose their faith since teenage or adult. They tend to choose their own ways of life, but I don't. I did, but somehow I meet Him.

Maybe it's because I believe everything happen for reasons. Some reasons are logical but others are not. Sometimes we need to go deeper to find ourselves. And we must try to find Him before find ourselves. we want something, we must try to get it. It won't come just like that to you. And definitely it's not an easy job. Sometimes people who are already born as muslim can't manage to find themselves. Mostly they lose in the battle within themselves.

Some people ask me which religion he should choose. Which one is the real ones and which one is the fake ones. And why we need religion. I didn't know the answer. But I just figure it out, if you wanna know, you better try to learn every religion exist in the world. If you find one, just go ahead and join them.

why we need religion? For me it's a way to show to Him we are grateful to Him and we need to do smthing to show that grateful and respect since He is the creator. If you can show your respect to yout parent by visiting them or call them why can't you call your God since He is your creator? And it's also a way to ask for help when we really need one. He is the place to ask for forgiveness, and guidance through these life's maze. Maybe we can get through without Him, but I always feel He helped me alot to get through every obstacles that I had.

I'm not trying to preach here but that's what I feel. At least for now. But I really hope this feeling will stay for long time. Insya-Allah.

The internship

I've start my internship since 3 weeks ago. The raya was really hectic and still it was really really fun. I think it was the most fun raya I have ever had.

Ok, get back to the internship back. First thing's first. It. Is. Really. Hard.

I don't think the internship is hard but the life is. I fairly happy with the internship but other parts like my house, friends, money and of course my bf.

My house; is fine. But there's no furniture other than sofa and a dinner table and fridge. N that's all. I really can't live like this.

My friends, my fear about the curiousity of my friends has already happened. They start to ask alots of questions. Someone like me, can't live with people who are busybody. I mean like, come on. We are 24 y/o. Better to stay our own business. I never ask anything personal to them, why they have to?

The money; I don't get the loan this semester and I need to be really careful with my money. I feel like i want to cry every single day because if this.

And my bf; same old story. He's bz. U can figure it out already if u read my previous thread about him.

It's just 3 weeks but I can't wait this to be over. Ughhh...

Miracle day

i donno what happened yesterday but there were lots of things happened. first of all, the house. we manage to get it. what is more surprisingly, it cost a hundred per month. out of the other house we search, we manage to rent a house with the lowest rent ever. donno about that house but i hope it's safe and not haunted or anything like that.

my atm's card.  i just made a new atm card a week ago and i forgot the password. so that's why i needed to go back to jb straight away so that i can fix it. but, my father had already bank in the money for the deposit of the house when my card is locked but my father manage to bank in in my friend's account. that's unusual for him because he'll always complaint about my mistake, but he didn't. i was like, wow.. is that a miracle or coincidence?

and the bus. i think the bus driver drove really slow but we manage to reach jb in time. that's impressive for bus that left kl during late evening because usually the road would have bad traffic, but it didn't yesterday. yesterday was indeed a miracle day.

i donno what happened but, Alhamdullilah, praise to Allah. i have awful lots of sin, but You helped me.

Blames on me

How long, how long will I slide? Separate my side
I don't believe it's bad, Slit my throat, it's all I ever

I heard your voice through a photograph, I thought it up, it brought up the past
Once you know you can never go back, I've got to take it on the otherside

Centuries are what it meant to me, A cemetery where I marry the sea
Stranger things could never change my mind
I've got to take it on the otherside

Pour my life into a paper cup, The ashtray's full and I'm spillin' my guts
She wants to know am I still a slut, I've got to take it on the otherside

Scarlet starlet and she's in my bed, A candidate for my soul mate bled
Push the trigger and pull the thread, I've got to take it on the otherside
Take it on the otherside, Take it on, take it on

Turn me on, take me for a hard ride, Burn me out, leave me on the otherside
I yell and tell it that it's not my friend, I tear it down, I tear it down
And then it's born again
                                                                                                    Anthony Kiedis, Otherside

i don't know what is it me and rock songs. i've been listening to them since i was 13 years old. maybe it's because i used to be rebel and rock genre really suited my soul. after all, that's what rock genre is about. at least most of them. i used to slammed my door and increased the volume of my radio to the highest volume when i faught with my mom. i always think when i listen to them, i can cool myself down. and it works for years.

i am very complicated person. i used to fought with my bf and i listened to rock songs, watched movies and played condition zero at the same time. i did it so that my brain wouldn't think about things i didn't want think about. but, it wasn't really enough because i was really really disturb that time.

this is the song that have the biggest influence in my life. 99.99% of the lyric is about my life. i always want to cry when i listen to this song. it's about choosing what's right and leave the wrong things in your life. even though you really really like that bad thing.

it's kinda funny for me that it's really easy to do something wrong. just like open a door and you just get in. but it's really really hard to do something good. i need to find keys of doors that i want to get in. and of course i end-up do something easy and when the guilt comes, i'd stop it. and when i want to, i do it again. again. and again. and i'm tired to be like this.

and when this virgin young girl came, she reminded me of my promise of not allow any girls to have the same experience as i have. that's why i never introduce my friends to any guys i found on net. too bad i already did it. and that's the guilt came in and i started to hate myself. i was crying all night last night thinking what have i done. i shouldn't have done that. i felt like i ruin her life.

she's young and excited with her environment. of course she wants to try everything. and when she likes it she does it again and again. until one day, the regrets come. that time she'd blame me. it's okay if she wants to but i'm afraid if she would destruct herself too. just like i do.

i'm sorry for what i did. i know i really want it but not from you. hope you can be a normal girl and success in everything you do. good luck.

pemegang ijazah

aku tak tahu la kenapa dengan diri aku, yang rasa aku tak sehebat mana yang orang lain fikirkan. yela, kalo nak bandingkan diri aku dengan kawan-kawan aku, aku rasa aku di tahap yang tercorot.

tapi bila aku toleh ke belakang balik, dan mengingati zaman-zaman spm dan selepas itu, ramai kawan-kawan aku yang kat sini tak dapat langsung pergi sejauh macam aku. mungkin aku bukan dean list tapi, aku di antara yang terbaik dari terbaik dari ladang.

sedar tak sedar aku dah nak abes degree dan akan masuk alam pekerjaan. cam2 aku rasa. rasa gembire sebab da nak kerja tapi pada masa yang sme, aku takut aku tak leh menyesuaikan diri dalam alam pekerjaan. ramai member2 aku cakap alam pekerjaan banyak politik dalaman dan isu2 yang susah nak dipercakapkan. aku just dengar dan simpan je la data tu. 

2 3 bulan ni aku memang malas gile nak menulis kat sini. idea mmg sangat banyak, tapi tau la nape aku tak leh nak menulis. status fb aku pon aku malas nak update. komen2 kat 9gag je berlambak. sebab malas? mungkin.. mungkin kot.. :P

Perspektif yang berbeza

seminggu aku berjalan dari selatan ke utara. banyak tempat dapat aku lalui dan banyak ragam orang aku pelajari. seminggu rasa cam sekejap tadi pelajaran yang aku dapat, rasanya berguna untuk selama-lamanya.

kengkadang aku rasa mereka nak menegakkan sesuatu yg betul, tetapi bende yang betul tu bila membawa keburukan membuatkan seseorang tu terpaksa membuat pilihan untuk memilih jalan yg kelihatan salah. tapi sebenarnya dari satu pandangan lain, ianya memberi keuntungan yang sama pada mereka.

cara tu tak semudah seperti caraku, tapi cara itu cara yang betul. dan itulah yang paling penting. jika itu cara kau untuk menjaga hak kita, aku halalkan. aku tak menghalang, dan tak mengajak. aku cuma mahu tahu kenapa dan sekarang aku tahu kenapa. jadi wat la pe yang kau rasa betul untuk tempat kau. untuk kita.

dan aku da pecahkan janji yang aku wat 3 tahun lepas dalam diri aku, dan aku tak tahu pe yang aku perlu lakukan sekarang. yang pasti dia takkan tggu aku. aku dah terlalu masak dengan perangai dia.

so, aku mengubah haluan aku dan perancangan hidup aku. harap2 aku dapat capai pe yang aku impi kan. Insya-Allah.. :)

Musim Kawen Lagi

seorang lagi kawan aku akan berkahwin selepas raya nanti. satu persatu kawan aku kawen. aku gembira dengan mereka tapi sedey jugaklah kan.. sebab aku je yang tak kawen lagi.

pe yang aku rasa sekarang? rse insecure. rasa kurang selamat. sekurang-kurangnya dulu aku de kawan untuk becerita. tapi kalo da kawen, bagi aku bile orang da kawen mereka akan berubah. mereka akan de masalah baru, dan aku tak mahu becerita tentang masalah aku dengan dia.

sorang lagi kawan baik aku pon da nak kawen. mereka sedang merancang. aku doakan mereka akan kawen cepat. insya-Allah..

sorang pas sorang g kawen.. dan tinggal la nanti aku sorang je.pe cerita aku? secara jujurnya, aku pun tak tahu. hanya berdoa ngan Allah s.w.t semoga dia akan membawa aku ke jalan yang terbaik, untuk diri aku. :)